Leaving my life old behind

(April, 2010. This entry to my old farm blog was written whilst I was in the middle of "the great migration"  -packing up to leave the Farm where I had lived and worked with Dave all those years-  and decided it was time to "come clean" to my friends about what was really going on with my having to move. Up until this point, I had been kind about what was going on but I was really starting to get stressed about it all. I decided that I needed to get the "real" story out in the open so people would understand why I was acting a "little crazy".   I have edited much of the anger out of this passage, which might give a little insight into just how vitriolic the original was.  I didn't put it here on this blog because I wanted to hurt anybody...I am way past all that now.  I put it here because it is part of my journey and it is relevant and important.)

Packing up 10 years of ones life and keep the farm running until I leave has been an enormous challenge, even without having all the rain thrown into the mix. I still have row crops in the ground but the small garden here is so mucky that I can't even walk out to pick the lettuce without miring up to my shins. I looked back through the records we have kept over the years and found that it has been about 7-8 years since we had a wet spring like this. Dealing with weather is just part of growing food, though and that is hard enough to work around. Given the situation I am presently in, it is beyond anything I seem to be able to do much about.

I have been slightly evasive with family and friends about the whole reason for my move. Mostly to spare the feelings of others involved.  I have changed my mind about that.  Nobody spared my feelings in this mess. What I have said up until now about my reasons for moving, especially the part about the moving of the Farm being instigated by my need to be closer to family, is only a tiny bit of the truth. I do need to be closer to them. But the real reason for the move is much more complicated that that.

In the first week after Dave's passing, his mother announced that she was planning on renting Dave's beloved organic fields to another farmer, to grow hay. She said that she also intended to remodel the house where we lived. She intended to rent it out to someone she knew and she needed to have the remodling done by the first of August. The remodel on the house will take about about 3 months minimum by the contractors estimate, she said. Without giving me an actual date to be out, that is effectively exactly what she did. I was not offered ANY choice, not the opportunity to stay and be the renter, nothing. Just..."you need to go" and with it being implied the sooner, the better. Dave died on Wednesday and she made this announcement the following Monday. Imagine the effect that kind of announcement would have on a grieving widow, who had not even had time to wrap herself around the fact that her husband was gone forever.  I was completely devastated by this announcement. Just mumbled something to her and ran out the door.  I didn't get out of bed for 2 days.

Our garden plan for the year was to use the small plot for early spring crops and to plant just a portion of the larger garden space that we knew I could manage with little or no assistance. That was a good plan and it would have worked out fine, even with the excess rain. My MIL knew way before Dave's death that this was our plan. We all knew Dave would not be able to do any work this year and talked at length about what would happen with the garden, with CSA, etc.  

Since Dave was staying at her house during this time, she was included in most of our conversations about the Farm or at least could overhear everything we discussed about it, so it is not like she wasn't aware that I had obligations to my CSA members and that what this farm produced was my sole source of income. She heard me tell Dave that I would do whatever I could to keep the Farm going. She even sat at Dave's memorial service and listened to the pastor read a eulogy that included the statement from me that stated "I will continue to operate the Farm, no matter what happens in the future. It is Dave's legacy, what he leaves behind as a testament to his dedication and love of what we did here. I intend to continue our dreams and follow the path..." And yet she sat through those conversations (and in that church) and never said a word to either Dave or to me about her intentions.

If at any point prior to Dave's death she had expressed that she needed to do something different with the Farm, she had more than ample opportunity to speak up to both of us. If we had known her true intention,  I would not now be in the position I find myself. I could have made plans based on the truth.  She lied to us, plain and simple. Even if it was a lie by omission, it was still a lie.

The farmland itself always been Dave's "family farm" and we  never stated otherwise. I never had any designs on that land, far from it. The only reason I was there in the first place was because of Dave. His mother was perfectly within her rights to do whatever she likes with it. I can't blame her for that. I do blame her for being such a coward. She claimed she needed the money from the rental income which is valid, I guess, but did she just realize she needed it 5 days after Dave died?   I find it very hard to believe. I had a pretty good idea of her financial condition and trust me, she didn't "need" the money she would get from renting our little farmhouse. 

Unfortunately, in addition to not speaking up about what she planned on doing with the Farm, she kept changing things on me and then I would have to scramble to get yet another part of things done. About 2 weeks after telling me that she was renting the fields to someone else, she announced that he needed to get in the field by May 1, which means that I had to scramble to get everything out of the field by Apr. 30, which I did. Then it seems that the new tenant changed his mind because of the rain and didn't need to be in the fields until July or August, maybe even September. And so I tore up things in the big garden that could have stayed a while longer, which still makes me so angry I could chew on nails. In the end, he changed his mind and never grew anything on the field that season. 

I hope you are getting the drift of all of this, by the way....I do not intend for this to be a diatribe against my MIL, and I am sorry if it sounds that way. I just want make the situation clear. This is merely an explanation of part of the dynamic between MIL and myself.  We were never able to establish any kind of cordial relationship because she just couldn't let go of her disappointment in Dave having married me, instead of reconciling with his first wife.  At least that is what we (Dave and I) speculated was the reason.  She didn't know me at all and her behavior toward me was present from the first time we laid eyes on each other.

I am grateful that my parents offered me the use of their land but it is simply a flat field at the moment. Nothing has been done to prep the soil, etc. That is why I came up with the idea of setting up the raised beds first. I want to raise herbs in beds eventually, so that seemed logical, too, to start with those. Dave and I grew a whole lot of stuff in a tiny garden space before and I know how to achieve that using intensive and square foot methods of growing. Not a problem...in theory. That is also why things are easily blown about, etc. Raised beds have extremely loose soil and so the roots of plants do not have quite the anchor that they would if growing deeper root systems, etc. (Update: This DID NOT work out for more than a couple of reasons...)

One other problem with moving is that I will be 58 years old in August and being forced to move in with my parents. Even though it will be temporary, it is still a bit of a struggle to get my mind around that one, too. I haven't lived at home since I was 18. Having an adult child move in with parents is not easy in most any situation but when that child is a grieving widow who has gone a little nuts, then it is the understatement of the century. They are so great, though, and so willing to accommodate me. It must be almost as hard for them but things we do for love... (Update: I was there from June 2010 until November 2012, moved to Portland, Oregon where I presently live.)

And then there is the emotional aspect of all of this. I am having to break up our life together while I am grieving for the man I loved more than life. It took me three weeks to even be able to walk into his closet and then I just stood there and cried. Imagine having to pack up all of his belongings...and our life.  It is devastating. This has been gut wrenching for me but I have no choice but to move ahead best I can. I miss him and I need him here to help me figure out what to do. All of these rainy days have put me way behind on packing, too. I rented a POD to move my stuff into and I didn't want things going into storage damp so carrying boxes out in the pouring rain was a no go. One thing after another...and another...and another...

Now, I have to quickly find homes for 3 of our farm dogs because I can only take 2 of them with me (the tiny surprise puppies don't count yet, thank goodness). That is like trying to find homes for my children. I had to divest myself of my beloved Delaware chickens because there is no where to put them at the new place and I do not have the time to build a new coop. I hand raised them from hatchlings and while I know that they are "only" chickens to some people, they are not to me. The cats that I have rescued over the last 2 years will have to go to the pound because nobody will take them since they are not pretty little house kitties. I have so loved all of those furred and feathered creatures and now I have had to banish them to fates I have no control over. I think that might finishing breaking my heart completely. (Note:  This eventually worked out, thanks to some very incredible people, my parents most of all. I am eternally grateful to them.)

So, that is the deal. At least, part of it. I am just sparing you anymore of this maudlin tale because the rest is just too much to even talk about. If I had my way and things were different I would not have shared that very personal tale but I really felt like people deserved to know what was really happening to New Moon Farm so that there wasn't any question about it.

Thank you as always for your support and good wishes.  I really appreciate it all.