That is actually a line from one of my favorite books/movies...the Frank Herbert classic, Dune. Such a simple line but there so much truth in it, at least for me. There is something sleeping in all of us at one time or another. In some, it awakens early, on its own. Sometimes it takes a concerted effort to shake it to consciousness. And sometimes it takes a life changing event to make it happen. I am in the latter category. About to make a life changing move that I am terrified of but know that I HAVE to do.
I will spare the details, because I have expressed this over and over for the last nearly three years, but I lost the love of my life to cancer and it was devastating. It has taken me a long, long time to get back to a place where I feel like I am able to get on with my life. I will always carry my love with me, he is such a part of me it would be impossible to extract him. It would be like removing my soul. But he is gone and I am still here. As much as I wish that wasn't the case, it is my reality and I need to take care of me now. I know now that is what he would have wanted me to do. All he ever wanted was for me to be the best I could be and I feel like I have so let him down on that one.
So, here is the deal. Everybody has a different way of dealing with grief, sorrow, stress, negative emotions, etc.. I didn't do a very good job of dealing with mine because I literally gave up on just about everything for a while. Didn't eat right, suffered from insomnia, obsessed about things I shouldn't have...stuff like that. Almost three years of that kind of negativity has taken a toll on me physically, emotionally, mentally. I fear I am no longer the person I used to be but I also have high hopes that the real me is still in here somewhere. I am trying very hard to repair my emotional self Sometimes I think I am making very good progress and sometimes it all feels like an epic fail. But now the real work begins....moving out of my comfort zone, away from my safety net, into the great unknown.
One thing I know is that I need to repair my physical self. I am so out of shape it is depressing. I feel 10 years older than I am sometimes and that isn't a very good feeling. Some of it is emotional and some of it is physical. I was never an emotional eater. Not as a child, not as an adult. At least I never was before "The Event". When your whole world crashes down around you and you feel like you want to crawl in a dark hole somewhere and never come out because you feel so bad, when somebody hands you a piece of NY cheesecake, well, let me just say that is when (for me anyway) things change. There is that little devil called "Total Lack of Self Control", sitting on your shoulder. She punched out "The Voice of Reason and Sanity" and knocked her off the other shoulder long ago and now she is telling you how good that cheesecake is and how much you want it and how much better you will feel if you eat it. So you do and, by dingy, that little devil is right...it tastes so damned good that for a little while you do feel better, even if it doesn't last.
Problem is that the Brain, all awash in those funky chemicals that happen when you are negative emotional mode, remembers that earthquake of an endorphin rush it got when you ate that cheesecake and pretty soon not only is that little devil telling you to eat the cheesecake, your own brain has betrayed you and joined in the chorus because it wants that rush. Brain wants it bad.
So, the vicious cycle starts....you get depressed, you go find the cheesecake (or donuts or cookies) and eat until you start to feel better. Willpower is no longer a player because the Shoulder Devil and the Brain have her tied up, gagged and locked in the basement somewhere. Common Sense is hiding in the corner because she is afraid that the Brain will do the same thing to her. Rationality is still reeling from all the other stuff that has been going on and has been wandering around somewhere, dazed and confused. In other words, what a mess!
There are consequences to all this, of course. Carrying around a bunch of extra poundage starts to weigh on the rest of the collective. Even though the Brain likes to think it is in control, the rest of the Body has a say, too. It is just a bit slower on the uptake and so it takes a while before it pipes up with any input. The Muscles start to complain, soon joined by the Knees and the Feet. The Eyes start to notice Double Chin and Extra Belly have come to visit. The Booty just sits there looking disgusted. Eventually, the Brain realizes it is outnumbered and decides it is time to put things right. That is where I am right now. Brain has finally let me know that she untied Willpower and had a meeting with Common Sense and Rationality and they have all agree to work together. We'll see how that works out.
So, as of February 23rd, 2012, I am taking a huge step (for me, at this point. Doesn't seem like that big of a deal upon close analysis, but trust me, it is HUGE). Physically, I will be changing my location so my brain, my body and I are embarking on a new journey. (Come along if you like, I could use the company.) Getting back to fitness, wellness, health and happiness is the destination. In other words, back to a life well lived. I will be 61 years old in August. If I start now, that gives me a year and a month to get back to the level of health and fitness I enjoyed before Dave passed away in 2010. I can't imagine I will ever achieve that level of happiness again, but given the fact that when Dave was alive it was such happiness, I will settle for just a tiny bit of that feeling again. Feeling good physically is a good place to start.
It will be my gift to myself, I deserve it. I hope I can use this blog as a food diary and trip journal and anything else that pops up along the way, to chart my progress. Maybe somebody else will benefit from my story, successful or not. If left to its own devices, my Brain may get back together with the little Shoulder Devil again to sabotage me (Voice of Reason has been in rehab and is finally coming back around). If I write down what is happening along the way, maybe I can thwart their efforts and head them off before they get a hold on me again.
I will spare the details, because I have expressed this over and over for the last nearly three years, but I lost the love of my life to cancer and it was devastating. It has taken me a long, long time to get back to a place where I feel like I am able to get on with my life. I will always carry my love with me, he is such a part of me it would be impossible to extract him. It would be like removing my soul. But he is gone and I am still here. As much as I wish that wasn't the case, it is my reality and I need to take care of me now. I know now that is what he would have wanted me to do. All he ever wanted was for me to be the best I could be and I feel like I have so let him down on that one.
So, here is the deal. Everybody has a different way of dealing with grief, sorrow, stress, negative emotions, etc.. I didn't do a very good job of dealing with mine because I literally gave up on just about everything for a while. Didn't eat right, suffered from insomnia, obsessed about things I shouldn't have...stuff like that. Almost three years of that kind of negativity has taken a toll on me physically, emotionally, mentally. I fear I am no longer the person I used to be but I also have high hopes that the real me is still in here somewhere. I am trying very hard to repair my emotional self Sometimes I think I am making very good progress and sometimes it all feels like an epic fail. But now the real work begins....moving out of my comfort zone, away from my safety net, into the great unknown.
One thing I know is that I need to repair my physical self. I am so out of shape it is depressing. I feel 10 years older than I am sometimes and that isn't a very good feeling. Some of it is emotional and some of it is physical. I was never an emotional eater. Not as a child, not as an adult. At least I never was before "The Event". When your whole world crashes down around you and you feel like you want to crawl in a dark hole somewhere and never come out because you feel so bad, when somebody hands you a piece of NY cheesecake, well, let me just say that is when (for me anyway) things change. There is that little devil called "Total Lack of Self Control", sitting on your shoulder. She punched out "The Voice of Reason and Sanity" and knocked her off the other shoulder long ago and now she is telling you how good that cheesecake is and how much you want it and how much better you will feel if you eat it. So you do and, by dingy, that little devil is right...it tastes so damned good that for a little while you do feel better, even if it doesn't last.
Problem is that the Brain, all awash in those funky chemicals that happen when you are negative emotional mode, remembers that earthquake of an endorphin rush it got when you ate that cheesecake and pretty soon not only is that little devil telling you to eat the cheesecake, your own brain has betrayed you and joined in the chorus because it wants that rush. Brain wants it bad.
So, the vicious cycle starts....you get depressed, you go find the cheesecake (or donuts or cookies) and eat until you start to feel better. Willpower is no longer a player because the Shoulder Devil and the Brain have her tied up, gagged and locked in the basement somewhere. Common Sense is hiding in the corner because she is afraid that the Brain will do the same thing to her. Rationality is still reeling from all the other stuff that has been going on and has been wandering around somewhere, dazed and confused. In other words, what a mess!
There are consequences to all this, of course. Carrying around a bunch of extra poundage starts to weigh on the rest of the collective. Even though the Brain likes to think it is in control, the rest of the Body has a say, too. It is just a bit slower on the uptake and so it takes a while before it pipes up with any input. The Muscles start to complain, soon joined by the Knees and the Feet. The Eyes start to notice Double Chin and Extra Belly have come to visit. The Booty just sits there looking disgusted. Eventually, the Brain realizes it is outnumbered and decides it is time to put things right. That is where I am right now. Brain has finally let me know that she untied Willpower and had a meeting with Common Sense and Rationality and they have all agree to work together. We'll see how that works out.
So, as of February 23rd, 2012, I am taking a huge step (for me, at this point. Doesn't seem like that big of a deal upon close analysis, but trust me, it is HUGE). Physically, I will be changing my location so my brain, my body and I are embarking on a new journey. (Come along if you like, I could use the company.) Getting back to fitness, wellness, health and happiness is the destination. In other words, back to a life well lived. I will be 61 years old in August. If I start now, that gives me a year and a month to get back to the level of health and fitness I enjoyed before Dave passed away in 2010. I can't imagine I will ever achieve that level of happiness again, but given the fact that when Dave was alive it was such happiness, I will settle for just a tiny bit of that feeling again. Feeling good physically is a good place to start.
It will be my gift to myself, I deserve it. I hope I can use this blog as a food diary and trip journal and anything else that pops up along the way, to chart my progress. Maybe somebody else will benefit from my story, successful or not. If left to its own devices, my Brain may get back together with the little Shoulder Devil again to sabotage me (Voice of Reason has been in rehab and is finally coming back around). If I write down what is happening along the way, maybe I can thwart their efforts and head them off before they get a hold on me again.
